Nice little talk on the subject of regret on TED : www.ted.com/talks/kathryn_schulz_don_t_regret_regret.html
I especially liked the phrase 'control-Z culture' (as in ctrl-z, the computer 'undo' command), since there is some truth that in the modern world we do desire, and even expect, to be able to 'undo' mistakes. I think there is a way in which the often awe inspiring 'progress' and development (in technology, science, wealth etc.) which surrounds us leads to the subconcious belief almost that everything is always possible, and nothing is ever permanent, or at least the bad stuff anyway.
While such optimism is of course often a good thing, there is an element of immaturity to it, since it means we at some level always appeal to some global 'mother' to come and make things all right again. But the harsh reality of adult life is things happen and stay happened, and maybe our culture is less adept at acknowledging that, and hence dealing with it.
What was also interesting in the talk was the list of areas in which people have the most regrets, with the top 5 being : Eductation (32%), Career (22%), Romance (15%), Parenting (10%) and Self (5%), and I think this is unsurprising, but also informative, since these, are all domains in which we envisage goals for ourselves, rather than experience them. We want 'to have' a better education, career, be better parents, as a sort of extension of our selves, but ultimately they are only means to an end - so why not regret the actual ends? Romance may be an exception, since this is something which is perhaps an end in itself (we live relationships, not just have them) , but when viewed as regret, then maybe it is also rather ethereal and 'idealistic' - since we are wishing for what never was, which might never be as we expect. This I think strikes at a fundamental conflict in our lives - we dream of being certain kinds of people, generic types of levels of career, education, and even partners, but we live as specific individuals. A professor, or a CEO still lives through the daily actions we all do, and it is these actions that ultimately constitute their lives. The higher labels only provide means, not ends.
So I think it is unfortunate that these top our regrets list, because even though we may care about them more, maybe they ultimately matter less, They are about the self image we have of who we want to be, not who we actually are. Though of course another point is to just dea with the brute fact of this tendency also means we need to consider decisions in these areas much more carefully, since they are the ones which will haunt us, rightly or wrongly. And there is some consolation in that, perversely, the things we fret about most, which might actually have most tangible effect on our lives, the financial worries, the minor social worries, are actually the things we will forget about sooner.
One final point from the talk which is worth mentioning, since forewarned is perhaps forearmed : we regret the things we just miss more than those we had less chance of achieving. Missing a plane by 3 minutes feels worse than missing it by twenty. The reason seems to be that in the closer case, we can imagine how other actions could have made the difference, and this imagination is an important element of regret. Knowing this, maybe we can be more rational and handle it better. As the ctrl-z idea shows, the point is not to banish regret, but to deal with it.
I especially liked the phrase 'control-Z culture' (as in ctrl-z, the computer 'undo' command), since there is some truth that in the modern world we do desire, and even expect, to be able to 'undo' mistakes. I think there is a way in which the often awe inspiring 'progress' and development (in technology, science, wealth etc.) which surrounds us leads to the subconcious belief almost that everything is always possible, and nothing is ever permanent, or at least the bad stuff anyway.
While such optimism is of course often a good thing, there is an element of immaturity to it, since it means we at some level always appeal to some global 'mother' to come and make things all right again. But the harsh reality of adult life is things happen and stay happened, and maybe our culture is less adept at acknowledging that, and hence dealing with it.
What was also interesting in the talk was the list of areas in which people have the most regrets, with the top 5 being : Eductation (32%), Career (22%), Romance (15%), Parenting (10%) and Self (5%), and I think this is unsurprising, but also informative, since these, are all domains in which we envisage goals for ourselves, rather than experience them. We want 'to have' a better education, career, be better parents, as a sort of extension of our selves, but ultimately they are only means to an end - so why not regret the actual ends? Romance may be an exception, since this is something which is perhaps an end in itself (we live relationships, not just have them) , but when viewed as regret, then maybe it is also rather ethereal and 'idealistic' - since we are wishing for what never was, which might never be as we expect. This I think strikes at a fundamental conflict in our lives - we dream of being certain kinds of people, generic types of levels of career, education, and even partners, but we live as specific individuals. A professor, or a CEO still lives through the daily actions we all do, and it is these actions that ultimately constitute their lives. The higher labels only provide means, not ends.
So I think it is unfortunate that these top our regrets list, because even though we may care about them more, maybe they ultimately matter less, They are about the self image we have of who we want to be, not who we actually are. Though of course another point is to just dea with the brute fact of this tendency also means we need to consider decisions in these areas much more carefully, since they are the ones which will haunt us, rightly or wrongly. And there is some consolation in that, perversely, the things we fret about most, which might actually have most tangible effect on our lives, the financial worries, the minor social worries, are actually the things we will forget about sooner.
One final point from the talk which is worth mentioning, since forewarned is perhaps forearmed : we regret the things we just miss more than those we had less chance of achieving. Missing a plane by 3 minutes feels worse than missing it by twenty. The reason seems to be that in the closer case, we can imagine how other actions could have made the difference, and this imagination is an important element of regret. Knowing this, maybe we can be more rational and handle it better. As the ctrl-z idea shows, the point is not to banish regret, but to deal with it.
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